I must apologize to the little following I seem to building up so far because I will have to put part three of “All the Help I Need” on hold for the moment. I’ve actually been in a considerable amount of pain for the last few days, getting worse each day, and I’m concerned I won’t be able to give the piece the attention it needs. In the meantime, I will still try to post some things that won’t require too much concentration.
For now, I will post another song I’ve been working on that still needs revision. I’d love it if someone would come in and give me a few crits. I’m only posting the first stanza because I haven’t done any more work on the second yet.
The “crow” I mention is a reference to some rather morbid poetry written by Ted Hughes (The Life and Songs of the Crow). We had a brief introduction to his work in my poetry class. “The crow” is always associated with death. I find myself wondering sometimes if his book might have somehow influenced or inspired the movies called The Crow. I should probably look it up, but I’m feeling “intellectually lazy” today, like most of us Americans; I’ll get around to it later.
Some of the problems people have pointed out:
1. Too obscure. Some people don’t understand what I’m trying to say.
2. Too many “-ing” words (although I have already eliminated some).
Plus, I don’t like my attempts to revise it so far (specifically, the first four lines). 🙂
Too many stolen choices
lurk behind these eyes
when all the scattered voices
lure me with their lies.
(Feel your trembling,
feel your trembling).
I never could slake the flow,
a rising crescendo of fear.
I never forsake the crow;
the broken cry thrashes with tears.
(Thrill and frenzy,
thrill and frenzy).
Release your reason!
I will emblazon
my word into you.
My touch withers you.
- An evening with Sylvia Plath, review (telegraph.co.uk)